Wonder

What lies behind this, I have wondered. And right now seemed the opportune moment to think about it.

I will start with the chair. This chair with the beautiful finish. I remember my grandfather sitting on it in our ancestral home, with a glass of tea and a newspaper in hand. Looking at us from the chair while we played. It is still so smooth so glossy. It must be a hundred years old because I remember him telling us that his father made it for him to be rocked in. An antique, that's what this was. And the chair was still shiny and smooth. I felt it with my cheeks. Yep..Smooth!

I saw the clock. With its carved hands showing us why time never waits for none. The dial was quartz and the finish was wooden. It matched the chair. The numeral shone brightly. And the bell that dangled from it chimed well enough for me to hear no creaks.

And what a lot of photos..Smiling constantly at all of us in the room. The backgrounds maybe different, but they were all happy faces, smiling faces. I did not know all of them, I have no idea how I was related to any of them, but they made me smile too.

The lights in the room were my only misgiving. Very bright. Too bright. Sometimes in night I was not able to sleep properly because of them. Maybe I should just remove them. I looked about- I saw a tall stand on which they were assorted instruments- probably collected by my father over a period of visits to exotic countries. I shoved them away.

And stood on the stand reaching for the lights.

And she came in. One look at me and she started screaming. Drew the wrong conclusion no doubt. I tried telling her that I was just removing one bulb. She wouldn't listen. She called a couple more of her friends. And they wrestled me down to the floor and then it was darkness.

I woke the next morning. My phone had about 80 missed calls. And 265 messages and was blinking real fast with messages coming in. I went down to get my coffee. There my friend was laughing so hard at something on the computer. My sister spotted me and was smirking. My mom shook her head and went to get coffee. My father was reading the paper appearing nonchalant but furtively watching all of it.

A youtube clip. I watched in horror.It was me being gassed at the dentist. Left alone for a couple of minutes, I was rubbing my face along the white chair. I was doing it back and forth, almost manically. I then moved hoppity hop to the clock on the wall- a digital one with just one display and tried catching the imaginary dangling bells.

Finally me shoving the dentist tool tray off and standing on it. The nurse drew the right conclusion and me trying to explain the bulb.All the while laughing like a fool.

Like a fool..

#59

Sneezing is an art. Enjoying the tickle at the back of the nose, the flaring of the nostrils, and the final release is sheer beauty. Contorted faces are an added bonus.

Peace

Found mine in music. Music just sings to my soul. And 5am is when I am most peaceful. Gentle music in the ears. Strains of violin and an occasional spattering of the flute. My feet pounded the pavement. My best friend in the whole world can not understand how I keep time to the music when I am running. I can not explain it. My internal clock can but I can't. I just run.
The air is cool. Not the kind that gives you bites but the kind that makes you want more. The minute you step indoors you know you are missing the outdoors. The rejuvenating chill. An elusive smell in the air. I can not make my mind up. I think it is flowers, then it turns a little musty, the smell of earth, then a little sharp- the smell of mowed grass. My olfactory receptors have begun to assimilate it all. Makes a heady mix- it does. I think I might be on the threshold to heaven.
Then there are the vehicles. In a distance it seems like a beast is coming at me with bright eyes. They whiz past me mildly, slightly misplacing the air around me. I sometimes wonder what business the drivers are upto. Contributes to a mystery- the ever curious mind.
My heart is now beating rhythmically to my feet. At the beginning it struggles to wake up from slumber and catch up to the moving feet. But now, I am in sync. I am working up a sweat..ha ha..reminds me of a phrase- "Horses sweat, boys perspire and girls glow." No such fancy delicacy for me. I sweat. period.
It is fascinating to see the roads bend and turn and to see dawn slowly creeping up. The tentative chirping of the big birds and the tenacious tones of the little ones.
I drink it all in. I also take a few greedy sips of water. I am almost home.
I reach the driveway. I slow down. Bend over and touch my toes. I feel charged. I feel vibrant. I feel peaceful.
I open the door and I hear the clang of the bowls, the smell of coffee, the sound of 2 showers running and my husband singing the national anthem, God knows why! My dog comes bounding and almost knocks me down.
Hide now, in my heart, my friend, my peace. I will seek you out tomorrow and exchange sweet nothings then..

Anger

Red. The colour on the traffic signal represented everything I felt. A couple of bikes to my right were inching out of the line onto the intersection. Why? Why couldn't they wait a couple more seconds. The walking signal now showed a stop to those wishing to cross. One guy with headphones came running the last second.
I felt anger. No I felt rage. The green signal came on. I paused for a second and promptly was goaded by a horn. A second delay and they had no patience. See this is what was wrong with people. No patience. And the second I moved, the car behind me decided to overtake me from the back and move to the front. And we were stuck at yet another signal. How many signals? Especially for those who had no regard for them nor the patience.
One guy flipped me for moving at the designated speed limit. Another yelled at me for switching on the indicator a requisite 10 feet away from my turn. If they did not want to follow the rules, why take the test and pass them, go on through the trouble of wasting time and energy put into issuing of a license?
Driving always brings out the worst in me. I have failed the test 3 times and I know now the entire book of instructions like I know the menu of my favorite diner.
Particularly today, I am furious. I am just returning from a funeral of my nephew. He was 18. He was killed in an accident that involved alcoholic drivers. He was innocent. And he was following the rules.
I felt justified in feeling the anger. Now there was this guy who moved into my lane without signaling and I had to hit my brakes to avoid collision.
To hell with it. I sped up. I could see the taillights. I could see them real close. And closer.
I hit the car. The air bag blew up on my face. I was slightly suffocated, but it felt good. The ferric taste of my blood. The incessant beeping of my horn. The sudden brakes. The sound of cars skidding to a stop and taking a last minute change of lane felt good.
This rage felt good. And releasing it felt good.
The color red felt good.

Courage

Not what I was really feeling. I wish I could bury myself back in the covers again. But no, the world called and I had to answer. Last night was a sleepless one. Although the bed was warm, my heart was cold. The moon was gentle and the stars burned brightly, but time..time moved slowly.

As dawn broke, I stayed behind the curtains, letting the energy seep in through my skin. And I could see the horizon lighten. Birds flew in flocks, beginning what was their journey for the day. The roads were starting to fill up with people. They initially shuffled along, but as time went, they started moving faster. Hundreds of people, going about their lives.

And here I was. Shrinking to even look at the masses. One man had violated me. And so many others stood looking. I was afraid, I felt desperate and I cried. I lost my dignity. I lost me. I was broken. I had rejected my family. I had spurned my friends.I did not think they would understand. I had stood alone then, I stood alone now.

There would be glances, you see. Whispers.."The poor little thing", they would say. "So sad, what happened", they would say. All this and no one seemed to understand. No one showed me how it could be overcome.

But now, I don't need them. I am going to step out. My head held high. Accidents happen, things go wrong. I won't be defeated by them. I will not let them take my life. I have lost so much already. I am going to get it all back. I know there will be bumps, I will cross them. I know things have not been great in a while, but change is ahead. I know that all this while, I was in a cocoon.

Now I will fly.

Sorrow

In every fiber of my being. It was a physical ache. I used to wonder what that meant when I read that phrase- "physical ache", now I know. It is an aching void. I feel that all the air around me has been  sucked and I am trying to breathe in a vacuum. I am doing the best I can to not, yet I do. I live.
You are not.
I used to wonder how it would be after spending my entire life with you. As children, we met when our families met- which was frequently. As adolescents I tried ignoring your curious yet shy glances that followed me. As grown-ups, I knew that my future lay with you. I courted you and wooed you, until you decided to give in to me. We had a unique harmony. We never had a fight. Arguments yes, but never fights. I could not imagine a second of my life with you being silent.
And here is this huge and vast silence.
All these years, I never pondered on the mysteries of the afterlife. My only thoughts right now are if that, if there is one, I hope to meet you there.I look at reminders all over the house. My heart throbs with your absence and I lose you once again. Everyday I come up with a forgotten memory and I lose you once again.
My pain now is more than the day I lost you. You left me bereft with only a smile. You went on the journey and here I am still finding my way.
From today till eternity, searching and feeling and wondering...when?

#30

When packing, the item seems to have mysteriously grown bigger than the box it was originally packed in.