Thursday, December 22, 2011

#59

Sneezing is an art. Enjoying the tickle at the back of the nose, the flaring of the nostrils, and the final release is sheer beauty. Contorted faces are an added bonus.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Peace

Found mine in music. Music just sings to my soul. And 5am is when I am most peaceful. Gentle music in the ears. Strains of violin and an occasional spattering of the flute. My feet pounded the pavement. My best friend in the whole world can not understand how I keep time to the music when I am running. I can not explain it. My internal clock can but I can't. I just run.
The air is cool. Not the kind that gives you bites but the kind that makes you want more. The minute you step indoors you know you are missing the outdoors. The rejuvenating chill. An elusive smell in the air. I can not make my mind up. I think it is flowers, then it turns a little musty, the smell of earth, then a little sharp- the smell of mowed grass. My olfactory receptors have begun to assimilate it all. Makes a heady mix- it does. I think I might be on the threshold to heaven.
Then there are the vehicles. In a distance it seems like a beast is coming at me with bright eyes. They whiz past me mildly, slightly misplacing the air around me. I sometimes wonder what business the drivers are upto. Contributes to a mystery- the ever curious mind.
My heart is now beating rhythmically to my feet. At the beginning it struggles to wake up from slumber and catch up to the moving feet. But now, I am in sync. I am working up a sweat..ha ha..reminds me of a phrase- "Horses sweat, boys perspire and girls glow." No such fancy delicacy for me. I sweat. period.
It is fascinating to see the roads bend and turn and to see dawn slowly creeping up. The tentative chirping of the big birds and the tenacious tones of the little ones.
I drink it all in. I also take a few greedy sips of water. I am almost home.
I reach the driveway. I slow down. Bend over and touch my toes. I feel charged. I feel vibrant. I feel peaceful.
I open the door and I hear the clang of the bowls, the smell of coffee, the sound of 2 showers running and my husband singing the national anthem, God knows why! My dog comes bounding and almost knocks me down.
Hide now, in my heart, my friend, my peace. I will seek you out tomorrow and exchange sweet nothings then..

Monday, December 19, 2011

Anger

Red. The colour on the traffic signal represented everything I felt. A couple of bikes to my right were inching out of the line onto the intersection. Why? Why couldn't they wait a couple more seconds. The walking signal now showed a stop to those wishing to cross. One guy with headphones came running the last second.
I felt anger. No I felt rage. The green signal came on. I paused for a second and promptly was goaded by a horn. A second delay and they had no patience. See this is what was wrong with people. No patience. And the second I moved, the car behind me decided to overtake me from the back and move to the front. And we were stuck at yet another signal. How many signals? Especially for those who had no regard for them nor the patience.
One guy flipped me for moving at the designated speed limit. Another yelled at me for switching on the indicator a requisite 10 feet away from my turn. If they did not want to follow the rules, why take the test and pass them, go on through the trouble of wasting time and energy put into issuing of a license?
Driving always brings out the worst in me. I have failed the test 3 times and I know now the entire book of instructions like I know the menu of my favorite diner.
Particularly today, I am furious. I am just returning from a funeral of my nephew. He was 18. He was killed in an accident that involved alcoholic drivers. He was innocent. And he was following the rules.
I felt justified in feeling the anger. Now there was this guy who moved into my lane without signaling and I had to hit my brakes to avoid collision.
To hell with it. I sped up. I could see the taillights. I could see them real close. And closer.
I hit the car. The air bag blew up on my face. I was slightly suffocated, but it felt good. The ferric taste of my blood. The incessant beeping of my horn. The sudden brakes. The sound of cars skidding to a stop and taking a last minute change of lane felt good.
This rage felt good. And releasing it felt good.
The color red felt good.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Courage

Not what I was really feeling. I wish I could bury myself back in the covers again. But no, the world called and I had to answer. Last night was a sleepless one. Although the bed was warm, my heart was cold. The moon was gentle and the stars burned brightly, but time..time moved slowly.
As dawn broke, I stayed behind the curtains, letting the energy seep in through my skin. And I could see the horizon lighten. Birds flew in flocks, beginning what was their journey for the day. The roads were starting to fill up with people. They initially shuffled along, but as time went, they started moving faster. Hundreds of people, going about their lives.
And here I was. Shrinking to even look at the masses. One man had violated me. And so many others stood looking. I was afraid, I felt desperate and I cried. I lost my dignity. I lost me. I was broken. I had rejected my family. I had spurned my friends.I did not think they would understand. I had stood alone then, I stood alone now.
There would be glances, you see. Whispers.."The poor little thing", they would say. "So sad, what happened", they would say. All this and no one seemed to understand. No one showed me how it could be overcome.
But now, I don't need them. I am going to step out. My head held high. Accidents happen, things go wrong. I won't be defeated by them. I will not let them take my life. I have lost so much already. I am going to get it all back. I know there will be bumps, I will cross them. I know things have not been great in a while, but change is ahead. I know that all this while, I was in a cocoon.
Now I will fly.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Sorrow

In every fiber of my being. It was a physical ache. I used to wonder what that meant when I read that phrase- "physical ache", now I know. It is an aching void. I feel that all the air around me has been  sucked and I am trying to breathe in a vacuum. I am doing the best I can to not, yet I do. I live.
You are not.
I used to wonder how it would be after spending my entire life with you. As children, we met when our families met- which was frequently. As adolescents I tried ignoring your curious yet shy glances that followed me. As grown-ups, I knew that my future lay with you. I courted you and wooed you, until you decided to give in to me. We had a unique harmony. We never had a fight. Arguments yes, but never fights. I could not imagine a second of my life with you being silent.
And here is this huge and vast silence.
All these years, I never pondered on the mysteries of the afterlife. My only thoughts right now are if that, if there is one, I hope to meet you there.I look at reminders all over the house. My heart throbs with your absence and I lose you once again. Everyday I come up with a forgotten memory and I lose you once again.
My pain now is more than the day I lost you. You left me bereft with only a smile. You went on the journey and here I am still finding my way.
From today till eternity, searching and feeling and wondering...when?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

#30

When packing, the item seems to have mysteriously grown bigger than the box it was originally packed in.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Fear

Snaked up and down my spine. It clenched my heart and would not let go. I was afraid. Not for the first time and definitely not for the last time, I am sure. But at this moment, this fear was all that I could think. It was all consuming. I thought I could not breathe and looked left and right to see if people thought I was dead. Nobody paid any attention- nobody cared. So I assumed I was probably alive.
The water felt a little cold to my toes. A chill ran through my entire body. I shivered and got in deeper. I wished that I could just jump out of the water. Evolution had forgotten to give us that kind of lower body strength or wings so I stayed in there with my arms wrapped across my chest. The water slowly seemed to get warmer.
I decided to take a few test breaths inside the water. I counted to three and came gasping outside for the fear that if I stayed in too much I might drown. That was my fear- drowning. And it gripped me in a iron-hold.
I saw children frolicking nearby and wondered at the naivete of youth and age. I knew the hazards of drowning and thereby was more susceptible to its fear. I knew I would drown and no one would help. I was afraid.
I tried holding my breath again. This time I kept my eyes open.Everything was blurred.Time and my fingers counted faster than reality and I came gasping out. I still wanted someone to assure me that I won't drown. No one did. I was afraid.
I held the wall of the pool and let go of the bottom of the pool. My legs floated to the top. I faced down in the water and tried holding my breath. My eyes were closed. The counting seemed comparatively slower. 
I was still afraid, but I knew I would not drown anymore. It was but 3 feet of water. I assured myself.
And then I walked out of the pool. Enough for today. I can crusade against my fear tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Disgust

All over my face. I could not stop from emoting that particular feeling. I heard a constant ringing and my ears felt hot. My cheeks turned red too. I often wondered why they turn red, when it was not pleasantness that I felt! Shame, partly, I think.
A new bottom- for humanity, I think. How could they? And right in front of the school building too. What was supposed to be pure, noble and innocent had just witnessed disgusting exhibition of immorality. And no one stopped it. No one spoke a word against it. Everyone averted their eyes and moved away. As if by not seeing it they could forget it happened.
She was crying. She felt violated. And I could see her loathing in her eyes. Yet her tears spoke off the dignity she had lost. She was also confused. Nobody had taught her the ways of the world. She had just stepped into womanhood. She had not yet met these people- the ones who raked her with their eyes, the ones with their fingers constantly straying over her skin. I felt incredibly sorry for her, sorry that my gender had caused such distress to her. I wanted to reassure her. But I could only feel disgust, at myself for not standing up to defend her; disgust that such blatantly evil people still walked free; disgust that I was not man enough.
And then I averted my gaze and moved away..trying to forget what I saw happen!
Disgusted..

#91

All babies in a room will flock to one toy.They will fight for it until it is broken or taken away after which they all flock towards the next one. This goes on until the parent loses interest and decides to give up; that's when the babies move on too.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Selfish father

I am a selfish father.
Yes, I have no qualms about admitting that. Ask me how much I love chocolate fudge and I will lie. But ask me what kind of a father I am and I will tell you straight on- a selfish one.
I am determined to give my son the best. Be it education or be it sports I want him to have all the privileges. If it means that I have to stand in a line at 5am in the morning for entry into an office that opens at 10am, let me tell you, I will be there with my tent and coffee. If it means that a college will accept my son because he is a good sportsman, let me tell you, I will help him master his sport at any cost, even if I have to sell my house on top of the loans that I already have.
I am a selfish father. If it means that I will have to switch on the lights to see my son study, disturbing my wifes' sleep, then I will do it without a second thought. If my son is sick and needs attention, and if there's a queue, I will quite not care about what the nation thinks of its leader and what the person before me thinks either. I will try jumping the line and yes I will. If there's a fire, be it upon me to push my son out the first, then maybe I will spare a thought to my mother.
If his happiness is with a girl whose father is against it, trust me to be the first one to think of foolproof plans to help them elope. I will also be the one to talk to him and coax/cajole/coerce him to think like me. I am selfish, yes!
I will brag about my son, I will not let you talk about yours. Even if he farts or even if he burps, his achievement is greater than yours. Period.
I am a selfish father..but most of all I love my son too well and too deeply. His future is what I dream of at nights, his happiness is what keeps me moving through day. I am a selfish father and I have no qualms in admitting it.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Random Voyeur

I am a random voyeur. I do not mean to see things, but I do. And I wonder what will happen next. I do not mean to hear things, but I do and I wonder what will happen next. I see people doing things- I do not mean to and I wonder what will happen next.
I am in the most easiest position to judge. And I do. I zestfully take part in all that is going on around me even if it is none of my business. I love the peek into someone's personality. The momentary downfall of humanity and morality is thrilling to watch. I do not hesitate to offer advise on how a thing can be done. I love the surprise in the eyes of the people when I comment on their going-ons. Some are offended but stay quiet- these are the ones that I love preying on the most. Some talk back- it just excites me even more. Some ignore me; well, they do, but I still am interested about the topic as much as I was earlier. In short, I am!
I am a random voyeur. I sit next to you in the bus, stand next to you in the train. I am there when you read a book,silently accompanying you in all the pages and making no pretense at shame. I am there when you have your heart broken and seek refuge in crowds; I single you out with my constant stare- I invade your privacy. I am there ahead of you in a line and listen to each and every single word you speak on the phone.
I am random voyeur and you can not get rid of me.